she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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