dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
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