Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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