I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Someone came in the potted fern
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
