Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
