We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
