If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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