Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
