dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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