I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
