No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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