She is in my trunk
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
