those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Randomize
