i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
