just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
