booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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