Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
