a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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