She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
