Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
he was CRYING into my vagina
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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