So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
