just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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