had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
