Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
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