Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
