Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
