the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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