Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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