Please, let me fuck your mom
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
