we have pet lesbian snakes
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
