I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
