I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
