You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
