Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
