That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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