I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
