Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I am one with the molecules
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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