After last night, I could never be a politician.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
