My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
