I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
