On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Randomize
