I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
