What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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