sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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