Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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