I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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