They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize