Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
