I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize