Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
