I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
