her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I checked into jail on foursquare
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
