apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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