If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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