dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
