the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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