if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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